All Dave wanted in life was to be a dad. After being honorably discharged from the Army, Dave went through a short string of 9-to-5-type jobs, trying to find something that fulfilled him. Then, he was awarded with a rating of 100 percent disability, and with that, he made the decision to be a stay-at-home Dad. It was by far his favorite and most rewarding job. Being a dad filled the void in his life he had been struggling with. This role gave him purpose again, and when he was healthy and feeling well, he really was the best dad. He loved Parker with every fiber of his being and anyone who witnessed those two together could see that.
Parker was just a little under two months shy of his third birthday when Dave died. He was too young to even begin to understand the magnitude of it all and how it would affect him in the long run. Sometimes, I feel grateful that he was so young when it happened, because he doesn’t remember the trauma of it all. On the other hand, it pains me to my very core that he was robbed of his dad at such a very young age, and he hardly has his own memories of him anymore. It’s the epitome of a catch-22.
After the funeral and some of the dust had settled, I began to comprehend more and more that parenting was solely on me, and the grief came crashing down all over me once again. The secondary losses became very apparent. Parker was going to grow up without Dave. The time he did share with him, he would eventually forget. Parker would never be able to ask his dad for advice. Dave would never be in the stands watching his son play sports. They would never bond over Michigan Football or sing “Hail to the Victors” together. My brain was flooded with so many things they were going to miss out on. God did this make me angry (as if I wasn’t angry enough). It wasn’t fair. They were getting robbed of so many things they should’ve been able to experience together.
The missing out on experiences and shared interests were on one hand. On the other were the things that Dave was supposed to be able to teach Parker while he grew up. Who was going to teach Parker how to shave? Who would teach him how to play football and hockey? Who was going to help Parker with math and social studies homework (because those subjects were definitely not my strong suit in school)? Who was going to teach Parker how to change the oil in a car? Sure, I could do some of it well, but not all of it. Some of these things weren’t supposed to be my responsibility. How in the hell was I going to be able to fulfill both roles of Mom AND Dad? Enter what I refer to as the “Dad Tribe.”
The “Dad Tribe” is a group of reliable men who have stepped in and stepped up over the last four-and-a-half years to help me with things during my journey as a solo parent, some related to Parker and some not. They’ve filled in as role models so Parker has a little more testosterone in his life. So, on this Father’s Day, while they aren’t Parker’s Dad, I find it fitting to recognize these men as a way to express my gratitude.
My father-in-law. This man is not only an amazing grandfather to Parker, but also an amazing father to me. When I need help with things around the house, he is always there and willing to give me a hand. When Parker was struggling with behavioral issues, he was there to provide support to both of us. He makes every effort to see and spend time with Parker, plays with him, takes him fishing, takes him up north, plays baseball with him … I could go on and on. This man has been a constant fixture in our lives and we couldn’t be more grateful for him.
My brother. Even though my brother lives in Tennessee, when we do get to visit with him, he is always present when it comes to Parker. They have sleepovers together in the spare bedroom at my mom’s house. They tell fart jokes and laugh a lot. They play board games and watch movies together. When we're not able to visit in-person, he FaceTime's Parker to check in and make sure he's doing OK. They have a bond like no other and it’ll only grow with each passing year.
My male cousins. My cousins have always been more like siblings to me, and while I don’t get to see them nearly as much as I used to, they would do absolutely anything for me and Parker. When we do see them, they engage in conversation with Parker and talk to him about what he wants to be when he grows up. They take him riding on the four-wheeler. They teach him how to be safe when putting wood in the bonfire. They always have our back and make sure we’re safe.
My closest male friends. While this group may be a small handful, they do so much for me and Parker. They make sure Parker is respectful towards me. They are there to pick us up when we are having bad days, and there to talk though things with me when I ask for their advice. And even though I don’t always agree with their suggestions, I take everything they say into consideration and feel truly blessed to have their ongoing support.
My girlfriends’ husbands / significant others. These guys welcome Parker into their homes and make him feel comfortable. They play with Parker just like they do with their own kids. They encourage Parker just like they do with their own kids.
Even though Parker will always love and miss his dad, I am forever grateful for Parker’s “Dad Tribe” for being great role models for him to look up to, and always being there to help us. So, to all of the women out there doing the solo parenting gig on their own, get yourself a "Dad Tribe."
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