It’s been three years and a little over five months since my husband, Dave, passed away, and I still find myself dealing with triggers that not only transport me back to the day he died, but also back to different times during that last year of his life. It could be a brief scene from within a movie, something random that someone says or does, a song; it could be anything really, because triggers are typically activated by the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. And when they hit, it feels like I have been hit by a semi-truck. At times they can be so bad that I can hardly catch my breath, my vision becomes blurry and everything around me sounds so far away.
A year ago, it happened during a CPR training course that I was taking through work. It was at the beginning of the course and the instructor was talking about how CPR can get oxygenated blood to the brain and heart long enough to keep vital organs alive until emergency equipment arrives. At this point, I stopped listening to the instructor as my brain entered my own little flashback to the day I found Dave dead in our bed. Everything from that day was so clear and fresh in my mind. I remembered the 9-1-1 call and the dispatcher asking me if I could get him turned from his side to his back so I could do CPR. I remembered how stiff his body felt and how hard it was to move him. I remembered that his body still felt warm from being under the comforter. I remembered how I thought that if someone could just get there to help me, maybe they could save him. And I remembered when the paramedics looked at me and shook their head no, without needing to do a single thing. I suddenly snapped back from my flashback to reality to realize that I was still sitting in a room with about 15 other people, and I was about to lose my shit. I looked at my coworker who was my CPR partner for the day and mouthed that I had to leave the room. As soon as I closed the door behind me, I burst into tears and started hyperventilating. I honestly don’t know how long it took me to pull myself back together. A couple of my coworkers helped calm me down by talking to me and getting me to take deep breaths. Eventually, I was able to go back in the room and finish the training.
My most recent triggers occurred between the end of March and beginning of April. I had made plans to hang out with someone that I used to know. Shortly thereafter, I received a text message indicating that they had to cancel plans because their child wanted to see them. Sounds normal enough, right? Well, the text started with, “You’re going to be mad, but…” As I read said text, all I could think to myself was that I hoped they were kidding about me being mad. Being a parent myself, how could I be mad about that?
So, why was this trigger number one? Because I would give ANYTING for my child to be able to see his dad again. I have watched him ache for his dad. I have seen that pain, and I was offended that someone thought I would be mad about having to cancel plans for that specific reason. I only wish I was able to give that opportunity to my child. In the moment I received that text, that statement felt completely unreasonable and unfair. I was hurt and angry to be thought of in that way. I let those feelings get the best of me and was an emotional basket-case when I attempted to explain why it bothered me so much. To make matters worse, the next day, I was laid off (I'm back to work now, thank goodness). My emotions started to take me on a rollercoaster ride and I couldn’t get off.
Along came the next trigger. I started to have a difficult time getting in touch with this individual. We went from pretty regular communication to almost complete radio silence. I continued to check in here and there, without much response. I tried not to let it bother me, but my anxiety and worry had other plans. At one point, I text messaged asking them if they were still alive. I felt irritated and upset that I hadn't heard from them for a few days, but I couldn’t figure out why the hell I was so bent out of shape about it. When did I become that kind of person? Why couldn’t I just let it go?
Then it finally hit me. The worry and anxiety that accompanied the fact that I wasn’t getting any kind of response back – amid all of this COVID-19 way of life we’re living in and people getting sick and dying – transported me back to the times I couldn’t get a hold of Dave and immediately thought something was wrong. You see, that’s what I was used to. Dave wasn’t well throughout the last year of his life. He suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from his tour in Iraq, chronic pain and anxiety, among other things. When he didn’t answer his phone or text messages after a period of time, panic would set in. I sometimes had to rush home on my lunch break to make sure he was all right. I was used to going to yoga and having anxiety about leaving him by himself. I was used to him not feeling well enough to get up in the morning on a weekend in the summer to go to the lake with us or just go out and do something together.
Although it took me a few days to figure out why I was letting this affect me so badly, I felt a sense of relief when I finally understood what it was. Once again, I communicated it, because that’s what I do… I explain myself. I’ve always been the communicative type, but I do it now because I need to. It’s how I grow through it. And when I do communicate what is happening with my triggers, it feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders because I know my feelings and what I am experiencing are legitimate and valid. Honestly, it makes me feel like I am not a total basket-case (because there are certainly days I need a break from feeling like it).
These triggers feel like my own personal hell sometimes. Depending on how I react to them, they can affect my relationships with people. At times, they also make me feel inadequate … like I’m not good enough or I’m too difficult to get along with. I start to question my worth and wonder if there’s something wrong with me. When that happens, I work hard to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, and that I won’t always feel this sense of abandonment from people. Some days are easier than others. You see, I don’t believe we ever fully recover from whatever traumatic event we’ve experienced that creates our triggers. Instead, it’s rooted deep down within us, just waiting to be exposed like a nerve. Once that happens, the pain is raw and unbearable. Even so, we must find ways to deal with and work through the pain. And, what works for one person may not work for someone else.
There are a few things I have found that work for me:
Breath work. I have found that practicing my breath work with deep inhales and slow exhales while closing my eyes and focusing on stillness and peace can bring me back to reality. Sometimes, this is all I need to re-center myself.
Physical activity. Other times, depending on the type of trigger, I need to run until I can’t breathe anymore and my legs feel like Jell-O, or let out a good cry (sometimes accompanied by yelling). A boxing session has also helped.
Therapy. I see a therapist every other month, and it’s beneficial to hear an unbiased opinion on things I describe to her. Not only does she talk me through my feelings and help me better understand my triggers, she also offers up additional coping skills as well as a different perspective for viewing things.
Peer support groups. Talking with others who have gone through a similar experience is also helpful. While you may have friends and family members who say that they are always available if you want to talk, they will never fully understand how you feel unless they’ve gone through a similar experience. My advice is to find a peer support group that is as close as possible to the type of trauma you’ve experienced because a group that focuses on loss of a spouse, for example, is going to be different from one that focuses on loss of a parent. If you haven’t checked out the Resources page of this blog site, I have a couple options listed there to get started with.
Journaling and meditation. Whatever activity I partake in at the time, afterwards, I write in my journal, so I know what the trigger was and what flashback it took me to. Then I meditate on it in hopes that the next time, I can meet the trigger head on and prevent it from hijacking my mind and causing total chaos.
As you can see from this post, I still have my moments dealing with triggers, but they are fewer and farther in-between, so I’ll mark that as a “win” in my book. And even though I may still struggle with them at times, they have contributed to my perseverance, strength and personal growth. For that, I am grateful.
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