I realize the title of this blog post could be a little misleading, so let me be clear right off the bat – I am happy with my life and grateful for everything that I have. I know and understand that I have a wonderful life. I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in at night, a good job that pays the bills and puts food on the table, and an incredible son who makes my heart burst with love, just to name a small handful of things. I am truly #blessed. Even so, that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever think about what could have been if Dave were still here.
I had other plans for my life, just like everyone else does. I wanted to have another baby and move into a bigger house on or near a lake so we could have family boat days, like my family did when I was growing up. I wanted to take family camping trips. I wanted to finally take that honeymoon trip to Ireland. I wanted to have a 10-year anniversary vow renewal ceremony and celebration surrounded by family and friends. I wanted to grow old with my husband, best friend, and confidant. I had everything all mapped out. There were still memories to make. Never did I ever think I would be widowed at the age of 34, having to raise my then two-year-old son by myself. I didn’t think I would have to start my life over the way I did, but you know what they say, sometimes the best laid plans go awry. I have learned to let go of the notion of what I thought my life was going to be like, and put my trust in God, the Universe, Spirit, or whatever you want to call it, and believe with every fiber of my being that there was (and still is) something amazing out there just for me, to believe that it is possible that maybe I was destined for something else all along.
While I am in a much better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically than I was almost four years ago, I still struggle every now and then with being happy for people who are celebrating certain life milestones – like getting engaged and married, finding out their pregnant, buying a new house or moving out of state for a new job. Upon hearing certain said news, I might feel an initial, sudden pang in my heart, even if just for a split second, before I can express joy for their good news. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I’m not happy for them because I truly am, but sometimes, I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life and having these life experiences all while I’m stuck in this weird little limbo, not sure which direction I am supposed to be going in. And even though I try to take this life one day at a time, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be in this house until the day I die, or if Parker will ever have a type of father figure that he’ll be able to look up to and teach him things that I might not be able to, among other things. During those moments of uncertainty, I have to reel my thoughts back in and actively remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be – no more and no less.
Since Dave’s passing, I have had people say to me, “Oh, don’t you worry … you’ll meet someone and get married again.” Or “You’re still young … you can have another baby.” There’s also the comment of, “You still have your whole life ahead of you.” I’m not saying that I won’t, or I can’t, because anything is possible. What I am saying is that if it didn’t happen, I’ve made my peace with it and I know I’ll be OK with whatever happens.
Even though I thought my life would be different from what it actually is today, and I am not the person I once was, I am happy and proud of the person I am. I have persevered. I am thriving and growing, and I will continue to do so. And maybe this was that path that was laid out for me all along.
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