I had a recent experience (or more like a rude awakening) that seriously made me doubt my self-worth. Even typing that out – that I doubted my worth – irks my very soul. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty strong individual. A total badass at times. So, the fact that I allowed myself to get to a point where I questioned my self-worth is beyond me.
But, alas, it happened.
Close to three months ago, I dipped my toe into the deep end of the water that is the dating scene and started to spark a relationship with someone I met through mutual friends. We had been talking for about a month, and things seemed to be going well. I had shut down whatever online dating profiles I had (not that I had much luck with them anyway) and deleted the apps from my phone. I liked this one. I’ve always been one to not let myself be vulnerable with people because it scares the shit out of me and I’m used to getting hurt, but there was something about him that made me feel comfortable. His eyes had a caring look about them. I felt at ease. I felt safe. We seemed to vibe well and I believed this guy was the real deal. I thought I could finally let my guard down and share parts of me that I keep buried away.
We had consistent communication via text and epic long phone conversations at night, and we started spending more time together. We talked about things we could potentially do in the summer together and he expressed interest in eventually meeting my son. In the blink of an eye, everything came to a screeching halt and along came the distinct and (sad to say) overwhelming feeling of rejection, but I had no idea why I had been rejected. Nothing had been communicated to me. And this didn’t happen just once with him – it happened two times within one month. I know, I know … fool me twice, right? Trust me, I agree with you.
So, here I was, in the dark on the whole thing, thinking this was my fault and I had done something wrong because I was “ghosted.” Ghosted! Can you believe that?! You would think at 36-years-old that wouldn’t be a thing. After all, we’re all adults here and we should be able to have a mature conversation with someone if we’re not interested in them or we start seeing someone else, but lo and behold, here I was getting ghosted without any explanation. My mind started to run wild. Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough? Did someone better come along? These types of questions flooded my brain and wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Then, I realized that I needed to do a serious judo-flip on this destructive way of thinking and get my mind right.
Now, I know I’m not perfect. I never claim to be. But I do know I have a lot to offer. I am a fully functioning and contributing member of society. I have my shit together. I own a house and have a good job. I pay my bills on time. I am compassionate, caring, and empathetic. I am responsible, honest and loyal as hell. I am non-judgmental. I am a good fucking person, and if you are part of my life, I will do anything for you because when I find my people – my tribe – I love them unconditionally. I love them HARD and without stipulations. I am willing to give so much of myself to make others happy and feel loved because I believe that people deserve to feel that way, but … I deserve things, too. I deserve to know that I am cared for REGULARLY by someone – not just when it is convenient for them. And on the flip side of that, I deserve someone to allow me to show up regularly for them. For them to let me into their life to support them and lift them up when they’re in need. I deserve to not get shut out. At the bare minimum, I deserve some common courtesy. I realized I wasn't getting any of this, but I had allowed myself to be OK with accepting less than what I deserved. Once I recognized that, I was able to shift my mindset and release those negative thoughts and feelings.
The harsh reality of this is that there are going to be people who come into your life and take you for granted. And honestly, that is unfortunate, but not for you; it’s unfortunate for them. It’s unfortunate that they cannot reciprocate the kindness and generosity that you have bestowed upon them. When this happens, try to remember to observe their behavior rather than absorb it. Don’t take it personally because it isn’t about you or me … it’s about them and their actions. And at the end of the day, their actions are not a reflection of your worth. Not one bit. Because you are worthy of so much more, and it is not your responsibility to show up consistently for someone if they aren’t going to show up for you.
This entire experience has been a learning opportunity for me, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I’ve broken my learnings down into a simple list of do’s and don’ts of knowing your self-worth, and they are as follows:
DO build your self-esteem by practicing self-love. For example, give yourself at least one compliment a day.
DO surround yourself with good people who show you mutual love and respect.
DO see the beauty that is staring you back in the mirror.
DO remind yourself that you are a fierce, powerful creature.
DO let go of all emotions and energies that are not helping you achieve your highest potential.
DO take your power back by choosing to let go of the person that no longer serves your greatest good.
DO be grateful for the learning experience because you have now gained an even deeper sense of what you want and deserve from another human being (you’ll also know what your deal-breakers are).
DO realize that it’s OK to set boundaries for yourself; it’s OK to say ‘no.’
DON’T let anyone or anything dull your light. Shine bright, baby.
DON’T accept less than what you deserve.
DON’T allow someone to be cavalier with your heart and feelings.
DON’T let someone else make you feel like you’re not good enough. You are MORE than enough.
DON’T forget about your ability to endure.
DON’T change who you are just because someone else can’t handle you.
A final thought as I end this post: sometimes knowing your worth isn’t all about having self-esteem and believing you are good enough. No… sometimes it’s about walking away from people who deeply suck, setting boundaries, and telling someone to fuck right off.
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