I became a member of the "Widows Club" on January 1, 2017. I vividly remember the moment when I realized I was a widow... the total shock and disbelief of it all. The book, "Second Firsts" by Christina Rasmussen, was recommended to me right after Dave died. I purchased it and began to read the first page. As my eyes scanned over the word "widow,” it felt like I had been punched in the gut. I struggled to breathe. Tears streamed down my face and in that moment, I believed I would never stop crying. I couldn’t read another word after that. Was I really a widow at the young age of 33? My mind struggled to grasp the realization. This wasn’t supposed to happen. There was more Dave and I were supposed to experience together. This wasn't supposed to be the end of our story. It took some time for me to come to grips with and accept my new reality.
Over the years, I’ve watched others join this godforsaken club - some close friends and family, some acquaintances, and others who are friends of friends. All of them have one thing in common - they’re all too young to be part of this club. They've all lost something that can never be replaced, and their pain and heartache are so incredibly raw.
Even though there is deep pain, there is also deep healing. I have watched each one of them find themselves. I have watched them learn how to navigate their new reality with so much grace and tenacity. I've watched them do things that they never thought they would have to, and overcome the toughest of obstacles. I continue to watch them grow and learn, and let me tell you, it is an absolute honor to know these individuals.
While they may have been robbed of a life they thought they would have, they have been given an opportunity to write a new story. Each of us may not have wanted to start over, but the truth is, there is beauty in doing so. There is something powerful about making a concerted effort to reflect on and process your emotions and learning how to redefine and recreate a purposeful and meaningful life. There is something freeing about being able to reconnect with life after loss. The work required to get to this point is hard and worth it. Don't give up hope. If you're struggling, here are some things that I found useful (and still do) as I moved through my grief journey:
Therapy. I am and will always be a proponent of therapy. This helped me immensely, especially at the beginning of my journey. One-on-one therapy provided me with a space to share my thoughts and feelings - no matter how chaotic - with a professional and receive unbiased feedback in return. It helped me to see other angles/perspectives other than my own. While I don't see a therapist as often anymore, I still keep my quarterly appointment in the books, just in case.
Exercising. My fitness routine has been a game-changer. Starting my day with a good workout sets me up for the rest of the day. Not only does it keep me in shape, but it's a natural mood lifter. It relieves my stress and anxiety because I release endorphins.
Meditation. When I meditate, I am focused and able to calm the stream of thoughts that may be taking up unnecessary headspace. And by the end of my meditation, I feel relaxed and calm. When I meditate before bed, I sleep better.
Seeking peer support when needed. Meeting others who had also experienced the loss of a spouse meant that there was someone who 100 percent understood what I was going through. People may say, "I know how you feel," and that could be their way of trying to support you, but until they have experienced exactly what you've experienced, they have no idea. I attended a grief workshop early on in my journey and met others who had similar experiences/losses. Being with others who could truly relate to what I was going through was incredibly helpful and made me feel like I wasn't alone.
Silence. This can offer opportunities for self-reflection, which can also help you feel more relaxed. I usually meditate or practice gratitude when I have moments of silence because I can focus on the positive things in my life.
Making myself a priority. I really started doing this a couple of years after I lost Dave. Whether it's getting your nails done or traveling, do what makes you feel good because you only live once and life is short. Being happy is critical and necessary. And you can't begin to make others feel happy if you yourself are not happy. If you find something or want to do something that brings you joy, don't let it pass you by.
Whatever tools you utilize to help you through your grief journey, remember that you got this. And remember to enjoy the good days as best as you can.
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