New Year’s feels typically hit a bit differently for me than they do for others. After all, it was on New Year’s Day 2017 that I found my husband in our bed. He had died in his sleep due to an accidental overdose. The events of that day and the few days leading up to it are still burned clearly into my brain. It plays in my head in the background on a continuous loop. I don’t pay as much attention to it as I used to – kind of like when you turn the TV on while you’re cleaning and an episode of one of your favorite shows that you’ve seen hundreds of times comes on, but you’re not really watching it. You know it’s there though, and you don’t have to watch it to know exactly what happens.
Since that fateful day, I have made it a point every year to be anywhere but home for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day so I could avoid dealing with the pain and try to forget about the void in my life that this loss has created. That all changes this year thanks to COVID and needless to say, I have some seriously mixed emotions about it. On one hand, being home puts me in a position to really face my feelings head on rather than continue to run away from them … and I believe it’s time for me to finally do that. I have taken very deliberate steps through the course of my grief journey to help me heal and grow, and being home this year feels like it could be the final step in that process. It also gives me an opportunity to ring in 2021 with my son, Parker, which is something we haven’t done since 2017. On the other hand, staying home isn’t a decision I made on my own terms – it’s something that feels forced due to the circumstances we’re all dealing with. So, part of me feels anxious as hell about being here because I never know what’s going to trigger me, sending me into a tailspin.
Luckily, I made a plan to not be by myself as I attempt to navigate my first New Year’s Eve at home. I’ll have Parker, my mom and a close friend with me, and I plan to make the most of today by being present with those around me and doing things that make my heart feel happy. And on New Year’s Day, Parker and I will go to the cemetery like we always do and then spend the rest of the day and evening together, being grateful for all that we have rather than feeling sad for what we lost. Because even though we have lost our favorite person, we have also gained so much over the last four years. We have gained an unbreakable mother-son bond, the strength to survive and carry on even on the toughest of days, and an understanding that we can still experience joy after loss.
Wishing you peace, love, and prosperity in the New Year.
Love,
The Stapletons
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