Happy Father's Day in Heaven

I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. Trying to get through holidays and be in a celebratory mood after the death of a loved one is fucking hard. One minute, I’m feeling happy and healthy, smiling and laughing with family. The next, I’m not doing so well and every little thing someone says is like nails on a chalkboard, and I want nothing more than to hide in a dark corner and scream my lungs out. Granted, it’s not as bad as it used to be and nowadays, I can make it through an entire holiday gathering without sneaking away to shed a few tears, but it still sucks.

Father’s Day is particularly hard for me, not only because I mourn the loss of my dad, but also because I mourn for the loss my son Parker feels not having his dad around. Parker was just a little over a month shy of turning three when my husband, Dave, passed. It pains me that he will never get to develop that father-son bond that I so desperately want him to have. Even so, with each passing year, I try to make this day special for him by reminding him that Dave will always be his dad and is always in our hearts, and that we can still celebrate him.

This year, we decided to go up north to my father-in-law’s and stepmother-in-law’s cabin in Lewiston, Mich., and spend the weekend with them. My mom also joined us, along with the fur babies – my dogs, Maggie and Scout, and Mom’s dog, Chloe. Parker and I haven’t been to the cabin since before Dave passed – for me, it was 2015 and for Parker, 2016. My in-law’s have asked me multiple times to come up (God bless them) and I just never really felt ready. Going up there this weekend was a big step for me in my healing process. Of course, the first thing I did when I walked through the front door Friday night was cry. I was filled with mixed emotions – I was happy to be there and spend time with family, but I was also sad that Dave wasn’t there with me. Going up to the cabin was something we always did together. We went there for our honeymoon while he was on leave from the Army when we got married. We celebrated New Year's Eve there one year. We made so many memories at the cabin, and never did I ever think that we wouldn’t be able to make more with each other as a family.

Saturday morning, my mom told me she had a dream about Dave. She dreamed that when we got to the cabin and walked inside, she saw Dave standing there in an Army green shirt, jeans and a hat. He told her everything was OK and then lovingly patted me on the head.

Today, Parker and I planted a pine tree in Dave’s honor, and placed an Army service memorial stone next to it. The needles on the pine are touchable and soft. So, as the years pass and Parker and I continue to go to the cabin, we can literally hug the tree if we feel so inclined. Maybe it’ll be a way for us to feel close to Dave… I really don’t know. But it’s certainly a nice sentiment, and I am grateful that the woman at the nursery recommended this particular pine tree.

Dave and I also brought my mom and dad up to the cabin a few times for long weekends. Dad always enjoyed himself. My dad was an exceptional human being and he lived a great life. For those who had the pleasure of knowing him, they know he loved working on and painting cars and motorcycles, watching hockey (specifically the Detroit Red Wings) and NASCAR races, Harley’s, drinking beer, playing cards, and the summer heat. He was honest, compassionate, always willing to help others, a master storyteller, and tough as nails. Even if you met my dad once, you know he was one of the good ones. He was the definition of self-less. He didn’t have a big family by any means, but if you were friends with Dad, you were considered family. Dad worked so hard to make sure my mom, me and my brother were always provided for and taken care of. Thanks to my parents, my life is full of wonderful memories of family vacations, summer parties with family and friends, and so much more.

I learned a great deal from him throughout my life, including, but not limited to:

1. How to throw a baseball/softball

2. How to throw a punch (I have a mean jab-cross)

3. How to water ski

4. You can’t teach someone to have common sense

5. You should always stick up for yourself

6. Hard work pays off

7. Family comes first, no matter what

8. Stick to your word; if you say you’re going to do something, do it

9. It is better to spend money on experiences rather than material things

10. I deserve all the glitter and gold this life has to offer, and never let anyone or anything make me feel otherwise

While I miss him everyday and wish he were still here, I consider myself lucky that I was able to spend almost 34 years with my dad and develop a bond with him that is truly unbreakable.

I’ll end today’s post by wishing three special men in my life a Happy Father’s Day. First, to the first man I ever loved… thank you, Dad, for being the best father a girl could ask for. For being my biggest fan and supporting me unconditionally, even when I made mistakes. I am eternally grateful for the many Father’s Days I was able to spend celebrating you. I hope and pray that I have made and continue to make you proud, and I promise that I will keep striving to be the best that I can be.

To my husband… thank you babe, for being the very best daddy to Parker and for giving him all your love. He will always know how much you loved and cared for him, that he was your best buddy, and how he was your greatest accomplishment. I hope you continue to watch over him and give him strength. We will continue to celebrate you and the amazing man you were year after year.

And to my father-in-law, Dave… thank you for taking me in and treating me like your own, being my second dad, for helping me with things that break in the house and I call you in a panic, and for being an amazing grandfather to Parker. Words will never be able to express how important you are to both of us. We love you very much and look forward to celebrating many more Father’s Days with you.

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