Being thrown abruptly back into the dating pool, especially when I thought I was well beyond that stage of my life, has been… interesting, to put it mildly. Especially during a pandemic, because it’s not difficult enough to meet new people as a widowed, solo parent who works full-time (insert eye-roll here). No, of course not. Let us complicate it even more by throwing a pandemic on top of it. I get asked all the time, “So, are you dating anyone?” When I tell them ‘no,’ they seem to be surprised. They’ll ask, “Really?! Why not?” As if I haven’t tried to meet someone. Seriously though, how the hell are you supposed to meet people during a pandemic? It’s not like there’s a plethora of places to go and things to do anymore and dating in your late-30s is a hell of a lot different than what it was in my early- to mid-20s. Dating (or attempting to) in this day and age has become one of my own personal hells, in addition to being stuck at the Secretary of State, waiting for them to call my number. I liken it to this saying: “Dating after 30 is easy. It’s like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you are in hell.” Accurate.
Today, we have dating apps. From Tinder and Bumble to Hinge and Bagel Meets Coffee, these are supposed to make it easier for singles to “match” and meet one another. A girlfriend of mine introduced me to Bumble toward the end of 2018, while we were vacationing in Dubai. I told her I had never heard of it and she looked at me like I was crazy. With the two-year anniversary of Dave’s death approaching, I hadn’t even batted an eyelash at the prospect of getting back out there and trying to meet new people, and certainly had never created a dating app profile. I listened as she gave me a crash course in Bumble and told her I’d consider setting up a profile when I returned home. Give it some thought, I did. I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready, but then again, would I ever be? A couple of months later, I had joined the rest of the population who were swiping left and right on profiles, and hearting pictures or comments. I was in the throes of online dating … and I loathed it. Not because I wasn’t ready to move forward, but because the process of reviewing half-assed profiles and then trying to match with someone based on the very little information they provided, just to not match with them, was mentally exhausting. I don’t know about you, but I have better things to do with my hard-to-come-by free time.
Fast forward to present day and while I have met some decent and interesting people, I haven’t actually gone on a date with someone I have met through a dating app, and there are a few reasons for that. First, I’ve realized that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to dating, and I don’t even remember how to flirt. Second, dating requires me to shave my legs and stay up past 10pm more than I do now. Hard pass. I’m not as young as I used to be and while I still enjoy getting out every now and then, the older I get, the more I value getting more than six hours of sleep a night. Third, I really just don’t care about dating. Regardless, it doesn’t bother me that being on these dating apps hasn’t resulted in anything substantial. Honestly, I am more than OK with it. Would I like to meet someone eventually and get back into an adult relationship? Sure, and maybe someday I will. For now, though, I am happy with my life and therefore, I choose not to waste my time trying to establish a connection with random men who don’t give me all the feels and whom I have hardly anything in common with. I owe it to myself – and my son – to have high standards.
So, as I’ve tried to navigate the world of dating after loss and while in my late 30s, here’s what I’ve learned:
Don’t force it. Dating is hard enough. Dating after you’ve lost your spouse or significant other is on a whole other level. If you’re not ready to date, don’t. You do not need to put yourself on timeline when it comes to dating. Everyone grieves differently and you must respect your grief process. When you’re ready, you’ll know. Trust me.
Get serious – and specific – about what you want. I don’t care how stupid this sounds… make a list. Make a list of everything you want in a partner from qualities to physical appearance to beliefs you would want your ideal partner to possess. After you’ve made your list, ask yourself and there are items on it you’d be willing to compromise on and be honest about it. If you’re not looking for a casual hook-up, say so. This will weed out the people who aren’t looking for anything serious. And if you are looking for a casual hook-up, that’s fine too. Do you.
Be cognizant about how much time you spend on dating apps. I don’t know about you, but I am a busy person and I have responsibilities. Between working full-time, trying to keep the little human alive, doing chores around the house, exercising, blah, blah, blah, when I have a moment to myself, I like to take advantage of that by doing something for me – like reading, meditating, taking a bubble bath, etc. Therefore, I limit the amount of time I spend on dating apps to about 15-20 mins a day.
Don’t try to match with anyone and everyone. It’s OK to be selective. That doesn’t mean you’re too picky. If you’re not feeling it, or have any hesitation about matching with someone and continuing a conversation with them, move on. There’s no need to waste your time – or theirs – if you’re not all in. Move on and allow yourself and them connect with someone else.
Do your homework. Again, these dating app profiles showcase the bare minimum about someone. When you match with them and start a conversation to get to know them better, you really have no way of knowing if they’re being 100 percent honest with you or not. The bottom line: you don’t know the person on the other end, and therefore, you should exercise some caution. Before you meet up with someone face-to-face, do a little digging for yourself to ensure they are who they say they are.
Don’t settle. Don’t lessen the level of your frequency to meet someone at theirs. Leave that mediocre shit alone. I repeat. Leave it alone. You deserve to meet someone who sets fire to your soul and makes you feel like you’re the only one in the world. Always remember that.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I don’t care how cliché that sounds, it’s true. Rather than getting offended when someone decides to unmatch with you, consider the fact that they probably just did you a huge favor – because it wasn’t meant to be, and your relationship goals probably didn’t align with theirs. And that’s OK. Be grateful that they didn’t waste your time anymore than they already have.
When all is said and done, dating apps aren’t terrible and I have some friends who have met their person on them, got married and had kids and are still together. It’s possible to find your happily ever after on them, too. So, I wish each and every one of you good luck out there, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Comments