For those of you who do not know, I attended an 8-week grief group workshop hosted by New Hope Center for Grief support – a nonprofit organization that is dedicated to bringing hope, healing and new beginnings to adults and children grieving the death of a loved one – right after my husband Dave died in 2017. While I was going through it, I lost Dad to his battle with stage 4 esophageal cancer. During this 8-week course, a metamorphosis began to take place within myself and I gained the necessary tools to help me better cope with my grief and the pain I had raging inside of me. Because of the influence this workshop had on me, I went back to New Hope as a volunteer so that I could use my experience to provide support and help others work through their loss. Not only have I been able to co-facilitate a group for spousal loss for a few of the 8-week workshops, but I also had the opportunity to co-facilitate a grief group for spousal loss during New Hope Center for Grief Support’s virtual event, Hope for the Holidays. The purpose of this event was to provide support and ideas on ways to plan for the holidays to lessen the pain caused by the loss of a loved one.
If you’ve ever made it to your first Christmas, anniversary, birthday or other holiday or special day after the loss of a loved one, you’re all too familiar with the anxiety and dread that balls up in the pit of your stomach. Thinking of these days any other days you used to look forward to and celebrate can cause you pain and often add significant stress to our already overwhelming grief because we often have very vivid and specific memories of our loved ones attached to these days. You may make plans only to change them multiple times before finally solidifying them at the very last second. You may become agitated easily and lash out at others unexpectedly. You may feel like you don’t want to be around anyone or do anything at all. The first Christmas without Dave and Dad, I remember feeling so incredibly angry and annoyed by others around me. While they were laughing, eating and drinking, all I wanted to do was hide under a blanket in a dark room until the day was over with. I couldn't believe the audacity of these people, celebrating and carrying on the way they were when we were missing important members of our family.
Of course, celebrations in general just aren't the same this year and COVID has added another layer of complexity (let’s just call it what it is – it’s a layer of shit) when it comes to a person’s grief journey because that means that someone could be trying to cope with holidays and special days by themselves as opposed to surrounded by family and friends. With traditional gatherings not taking place, a person’s grief can be exacerbated. If you happen to be in this situation and you’re wondering how to make it through holidays and other days of importance, here are some things to do and consider:
Think about how you can remember and include your loved one. A physical memento may serve as an invitation to let others join you in sharing about them.
Are there any traditions you will continue with? Are there any new traditions you will be incorporating?
Are there things you can do to help you prepare for special days, milestones, holidays, etc.?
Whatever you decide to do and wherever you go, make sure you have an escape / getaway plan in case it all starts to feel a bit too heavy. You don't want to be stuck somewhere if you start to feel uncomfortable.
Identify your “safe” people in case you need to reach out to them for additional support.
How are you taking care of yourself? Make sure you’re getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, etc. Remember: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s HEALTHY.
Set healthy boundaries and limit invitations. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to everything and accept every invite to go somewhere or do something. If it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.
Remember that you are not alone. While holiday celebrations may look different, we’ve been blessed by technology with apps that allow us to virtually connect to one another like Zoom and Houseparty. Take advantage of them and plan a Zoom party or schedule some FaceTime chats throughout the day.
Do something kind for others. This could be donating to a church or charity in your loved one’s name or helping someone else whose loss is more recent than yours. Helping others can also help you.
Wherever you are in your grief journey, my hope for you is that you can get through holidays and other special days as unscathed as possible, and that you remember to be kind to yourself because there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your grief is unique to you and your feelings are valid.
Merry Christmas and much love, from my family to yours.
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